Marijuana vs. Crystal Meth: the MasterDebaters

Paris Hilton Brazillian Beer Commercial

Apparently the people of Brazil are also ceding that Americans are hotter than the rest of the world. In a new beer commercial, they're showing Paris Hilton dancing around with a can of beer while the entire nation of Brazil watches on, drooling. I can't tell if they're drooling over Paris Hilton or over the beer. Both look tasty.

Check out the commercial for Devassa Bem Loura beer from Brazil. Devassa means "Libertine." Bem Loura means "very blonde." Appropriate.

Follow the Olympics even closer

Following Team USA in the Winter Olympics, but want to know even more?

Check out http://teamusanews.org/ to get access to the latest info and will receive exclusive updates throughout the games.

Happy Presidents' Day!

Jesus, Kirk, and Vinny

Imagine if Jesus, James T. Kirk, and Vincent Van Gogh were roommates who hung out and watched a lot of TV.  And blogged about it.

Well, there's no need to imagine... because the blog exists.  It's strange, but oddly compelling.  Check it out at http://jesuskirkandvinny.com/

Gays in the military? Fine. But keep those homosexuals out.

Further proof that the world is filled with stupid people.

A new poll found that 70% of Americans feel that gay men and lesbians should be allowed to serve in the military.  But that poll also found that only 59% of Americans feel that homosexuals should be allowed to serve in the military.

Which means that at least 11% of Americans don't understand that "homosexual" means exactly the same as "gay" or "lesbian." 

Here's the story: http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/02/11/new-poll-shows-support-for-repeal-of-dont-ask-dont-tell/

Thirsty? Pop a Böner!

That's Böner beer to you.

Check out the story of how one guy's novelty T-shirt has become  a booming beer business.

Or check out their web site at www.boner-beer.com

How many feet in a mile, again?

We all know that the United States doesn't use the metric system.  I'm 5 feet 11 inches tall, weigh 185 pounds, and my normal body temperature is 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.  I drive 75 miles per hour on the highway, live about 3 miles from work, buy milk and gasoline by the gallon, and buy beer in 12 fluid ounce bottles. 

I know what most of that means.  But it's also one of the stupidest ways of dividing units, using some odd combination of threes, eights, twelves, and who knows what else.  12 inches in a foot.  3 feet in a yard.  5,280 feet in a mile. 43,560 square feet in an acre.  8 oz. in a cup. 4 cups in a quart.  4 quarts in a gallon, which ends up being 128 oz.  And those are fluid ounces, measuring volume... not regular ounces which measure weight.  There are 16 ounces in a pound.  And 2000 pounds in a ton.  And don't forget that water freezes at 32 degrees Fahrenheit and boils at 212 degrees Fahrenheit.  Who came up with this crap?

 Then there's the metric system.  Everything is based on tens, and hundreds, and thousands (and tenths, and hundredths, and thousandths, etc.)  Centimeters in a meter?  100.  Meters in a kilometer?  1000.  Grams in a kilogram?  1000.  Kilograms in a metric ton?  1000.  Milliliters in a liter?  1000.  Water freezes at 0 and boils at 100 on the Celsius scale.  It's insanely easy. 

And it would make you feel better about yourself!  Your fat ass weighs 250 pounds?  Not anymore!  You're just 113 kilograms!  It's only 30 degrees outside?  Well strip down to your bikinis ladies, because 30 Celsius is what used to be 86 Fahrenheit.  Can't drive 55mph?  Well now you're driving 88kph... and when this baby hits 88kph, you're going to see some serious sh....

But you're saying, "Elwood, I don't understand the U.S. system any more than you.  But we must not be alone in the world.  I know some countries in Europe use the metric system... but we don't want to be like those cheese-eating surrender monkeys in France, do we?"

To which I respond firstly with this link explaining why France is a bigger bad ass country when it comes to fighting wars than you ever realized.

Secondly, I will respond by admitting that, no, we are not the only country in the world that hasn't adopted the metric system yet.  Here's the list of all the others:

• Burma
• Liberia

That's it.  And just to help illustrate the point further... a map.

For once, it is easier being green.

Yep.  We're almost all alone in the world.  And it just makes us look stubborn for not changing.  And stupid every time an American tourist goes anywhere in the world and can't figure out an item's size, how much it weighs, the next day's weather forecast, the distance to their next location, and what speed to drive to get there. 

Unless you're traveling to Liberia or Burma.  In which case you'll be just fine.

Why can't our protesters be more like they are in the Ukraine?

All I know about the Ukraine is that it used to be a part of the USSR, and that it was the downfall of an epic game of Risk between Kramer and Newman in an episode of Seinfeld.



I now also know that whatever the political situation is in Ukraine, I want to hop right in the middle of it and motorboat that sonofabitch.

A group of topless women (with strategically placed tape) stormed into a Ukrainian polling place to protest... something. I'm not sure what exactly. I keep trying to read the entire article here, but get distracted by the perkiness every time. Every round, firm, magnificent time.

Your ideas intrigue me. I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Do You Like Waffles?

From the guy who brought you the iPad/Nachos song...

Sarah Palin's Crib Notes

The "Future of the Republican Party" - the woman that some members of the right wing think will be the savior of their political ideals... and the savior of this country some day - isn't smart enough to remember her own talking points.

At the Tea Party Convention over the weekend, the former Vice-Presidential Candidate and former Governor of Alaska had to check the crib notes on her hand in order to answer basic questions.

Written on her hand:

• Energy
• Budget Tax Cuts
• Lift American Spirits

Listen, I understand the need for politicians to use notes or teleprompters when speaking in public.  But that's for a carefully worded speech, or occasionally just to make sure they have their facts straight (like quoting the statistics from an important economic study).  But when you're not bright enough to remember three things... three really simple things (again: Energy, Tax Cuts, Lift American Spirits) and you have to resort to methods used by high school freshmen to cheat on their history exam... maybe you're not exactly the type of person who should be considered to run the most powerful nation in the world!

Just my opinion.  Or at least I think it's my opinion... the notes on my palm are a little smudged.

Read more on the story here: http://chattahbox.com/us/2010/02/07/talk-to-the-answers-on-sarah-palins-hand/

Best Super Bowl Ad

And the Elwood Award for Best Super Bowl Ad of 2010 goes to...

The Late Show with David Letterman

OK, so it's a station promo and not even a real paid-for ad. But it was still funnier than anything else last night.

And if I have to see those stupid, creepy, talking E-Trade babies one more time I'm going to punch my television screen. Maybe not my new 42" HD plasma, but I'll go upstairs and punch my old worn down 13".

Catchiest Jingle Ever... This Week

I had almost no desire to get an iPad. Until I just saw this very strange yet undeniably catchy jingle/commercial/YouTube mashup thingy.

Now I totally want an iPad. And some nachos.

It's About Damn Time

Ketchup packets suck.   They never have enough ketchup in them, so you have to use about 12 to get through a small order of french fries.  And they're messy.  You always end up with ketchup on your fingers, and you can't use the packets to dip your fries in when you're in the car.

Well the people at Heinz have finally realized that they can use existing technology (those dipping containers that have been around for 25+ years for BBQ, Sweet & Sour, Ranch, Honey Mustard, and a few dozen other condiments) to finally make ketchup more easily available for the masses.  Read the full story with the link below.

http://abcnews.go.com/Business/wireStory?id=9743988

For Shame Wisconsin... For Shame...

Men's Health magazine has published a list of the "drunkest" cities in America... and we're not even on the list.  C'mon Green Bay!  C'mon Appleon and Oshkosh!  Get your drunk on!

Sure Madison made the list at #15... but they have college students, and that's just youthful binge drinking.  We've got full-grown, full-blown alcoholism up here that needs to be recognized!  Hell, Milwaukee was all the way down at #58.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/02/fresno-calif--tops-list-of-drunkest-us-cities-boston-is-last/1

Get some drinking done this weekend, and write to the publishers of Men's Health in your sloppy, drunken scrawl.  Let them know that we want some respect!

Get this chick some meds

Hey, you remember how you cried at the end of Old Yeller when they had to shoot the dog? And when Kevin Costner asks his dad to have a catch at the end of Field of Dreams, how that brings a tear to your eye? Or how around twelve scenes in Schindler's List had you reaching for the Kleenex?

And when Darth Vader dies at the end of Return of the Jedi, remember how you absolutely balled your eyes out? Wait. You didn't cry during a Star Wars movie? That's right... because no one does. Except this guy's wife:

Daisy Duke... what the hell happened?

Daisy Duke.  Hotness.

Sure, the Duke Boys had fun getting away from Boss Hog.  And the General Lee jumping over creeks and crashing through stuff was always cool. 

Them Duke Boys sure are in a mess o' trouble this time...

But you know the real reason you watched The Dukes of Hazzard was for Daisy and her short shorts.

One more photo for good measure.

Please hold on to that image.  Look at the images above one more time.  Because they're about to be destroyed forever.

Seriously. 
Turn away now. 
While you still can.

Sorry about that.  I warned you.

You can read more about what Catherine Bach (aka Daisy Duke) has been up to lately here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1248044/Dukes-Hazzards-Catherine-Bach-swaps-hotpants-comfy-sweatpants.html

Reason #235 to NOT get married: Tiger Woods

Wanna know what Tiger Woods' problem is?  It's not that he's a "sex addict" (the whole sex rehab thing is ridiculous anyway).  It's that he's married.

Wanna bang a different girl (or several different girls... or multiple girls at once) in every city on the PGA Tour?  Wanna send the dirtiest, filthiest, most lurid text messages imaginable?  Want to do it all and never have to worry about getting caught?

Then don't get married.  If you're not married, no one cares.  Tired of one blonde model?  Wanna nail a brunette one this time?  Or that cocktail waitress who says she has a sex swing in her bedroom?  If you're single, you can.  No wife at home means no one to take half your money when she finds out. And no reporter is going to think "Single Guy Gets Laid" will win him a Pulitzer.

Just ask somewhat douchey, but total poon-hound John Mayer.  He sums it up nicely here:
http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2010/02/03/2010-02-03_john_mayer_tiger_woods_problems_come_from_him_being_married.html

From the Board Room to the Bathroom

Go ahead and wipe your ass with those stupid memos your boss keeps sending you. Literally.

A new invention can turn regular paper into toilet paper. Check out the story here: http://dvice.com/archives/2010/01/white-goat-weir.php

Pregnant from Oral Sex? Yep.

OK, this is an insanely weird set of circumstances, but YES, a girl got pregnant after performing oral sex.

And then getting stabbed in the abdomen by her ex-boyfriend who walked in and caught her with the new guy.

Oh, and they know it's not from actual sex because she has no vagina.   Seriously.

Read the whole crazy thing here: http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/discoblog/2010/02/01/ncbi-rofl-thats-one-miraculous-conception/